I haven’t and I’m not.
This week, this final week in a study that has been so encouraging and fantastic, has also been the hardest. This weekend I fell flat on my face. I won’t go into the details of how many calories I consumed (think LOTS). Instead of falling into a cycle of prolonged bad choices, last night I called it out for what it was.
Forgive me for turning to food to satisfy my emotions instead of turning to you. It was wrong. There are no other gods before You Lord, and I was wrong to try and place food on your throne for even a second. Teach me Lord how to be an overcomer with this struggle. Show me where I still need to change, and make it hurt Father so I will fall before you and seek you to change it in me. I ask for your Holy Spirit to convict and to heal. To reveal and to lift up. To admonish and encourage. I thank you for your words of Truth. Help me to focus on them and write them on my heart. To run to you and not away from you. All glory to you Father, for You are my God, my Savior, and Hope. Amen.
I admitted to God my need for lasting, sustainable discipline. My need to make one wise choice after another. I do believe this is possible because my Father tells me it’s possible. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me“. (Philippians 4:13) That’s the key to sustainable discipline – it’s not my strength, it’s His. I can’t do it alone. I need Him.
What does this look like for me?
First – I am going to continue with the Made To Crave Action Plan with Proverbs31. I want to take advantage of finding additional tools for the “how to” part of my journey.
Second – I am going to continue with my Forgiveness journey. This study, which I thought would be just about food, opened up a calloused part of my heart I didn’t realize existed. It’s time to deal with that.
Thirdly – Going back to tracking my meals on MyFitnessPal for the month of March beginning today. The thought of giving up some foods forever made me indignant. I had absorbed the “everything in moderation” message. The realty is, not everything will I have in moderation because this has been an area of struggle for me for a very long time. To think it will only take a short time to truly deal with is something else I’ve bought into – and it isn’t true.
I tried to quit smoking cigarettes for years. A decade of quitting and starting back, quitting and starting back. The starting back always started with just one. One little occasion. One little reason. It always ended with being a full time smoker again. It wasn’t until I realized I could not quit with a bunch of little “occasions” waiting around the corner that I was able to really seek His strength and quit.
And guess what - it’s still a struggle. I have had one break down since my “true” quit date. My attitude about it is different however, so even in the face of a break down, it was quickly realized “no, I can’t do that again”.
The truth of “this is not OK for me to do” is hard and heavy and also freeing. It, in and of itself, is a victory that has lead to more victories with not giving in and not asking for a cigarette – even when I felt parts of my insides screaming “just one!!!!!”.
Once those little parts fade away, the victory afterwards is worth so much more than what I would have gained from any cigarette.
Realizing this leads to the reality there may be something I’m holding onto food wise I must let go. Completely. I’m not sure what it is yet, because with a binge eater like me, I feel like it could be everything except vegetables. Which brings me to my fourth step – praying about what I may need to walk away from. This means tracking my food, continuing to write in my study journal, praying over it, asking (and therefore expecting) the Lord to reveal to me what I need to give up entirely, and then giving it up. (This is also a part of the journey I am praying the Lord gives me excitement about, because right now I can already feel the tug of war between the part of me ready to make intentional sacrifices pulling against the part that wants what I want when I want it.)
Lastly, I plan on sharing this continued journey, my chapter 20 and beyond, on Wednesdays as I pick back up my Weigh-In Wednesday posts.
How is this intentional sacrifice on my part? It’s going to mean going from I want what I want when I want it to “I want to please God, and I want what He wants, even when it comes to what I’m about to eat for lunch.”
I remember the pastor who counseled my husband and I once talking about 1 Corinthians 10:31 – So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the Glory of God – and I internally rolled my eyes because I couldn’t make the connection between my morning coffee and God’s glory.
That has changed. That’s what this is really about. It’s not the number on the scale. It’s not the number of push-ups I can do. It’s about living life to the Glory of God, overcoming struggles with victory in Christ, pointing to His Glory in every aspect of our lives.
For me – my health has been a struggle in my life. It’s about overcoming this struggle through victory in Christ Jesus, pointing back to His Glory.
I’m ready to take the pen. I’m ready to start writing Chapter 20 and beyond of My Made to Crave, with the Holy Spirit providing the pen, Jesus providing the ink, and God providing the paper.
In Love and Faith,