Sometimes I find myself wondering what my “existence” is. This is separate and different from “who am I”. I’m not sure why, it’s just, in my head (especially late at night) it’s two separate things to think about.
Sometimes I feel clear and confident in what my existence is. Other times I’m not so sure. The thing I miss most about being a child, is that there was a period where the body was invincible. There was no worrying about malnutrition, or low iron levels. No concerns about blood pressure, cholesterol, or sugar levels. There was just life and the things in it, nothing more. Lately I find myself looking in the mirror and noticing circles under my eyes from stress and lack of sleep. I now take a pill in the morning to raise my iron back up to “normal”. And the creaks and groans of my neck and back are felt on a daily basis, however the knowledge that my medical insurance nor finances will afford me the opportunity to seek the medical attention I need for these particular aches and pains, I just stop complaining and deal with it as best I can.
My existence during these times feels very fragile. In the sense that I suddenly become overly aware of my mortality. Not to the point I hyperventilate and panic, just to the point that I can suddenly and specifically feel the difference between “body” and “soul”. Between “flesh” and “spirit”.
Days suddenly just become days. One leading into the next and logically I know these will turn to weeks which will become months which will form into years. I was going through pictures the other day and found some young ones of my son. He was 3 and 4. In some ways, it broke my heart. The sudden realization that those years were gone.
I once had very specific hopes for my life. For my son and I. Yet, with each of these days that turned into weeks which turned into months and then years, many of those hopes died. Many of the original plans I had wished upon became dust and flitted away. Many of them disappeared without me even realizing it. It was as if they were gone before I accepted they were gone.
Then suddenly, without warning, other hopes were reawakened. The plan I had for my life began to morph and change into a bigger plan. An entirely different existence began to unfold before me, as if to whisper “here I am at last”. Maybe five years ago it’s not what I would have envisioned for myself, yet now I can’t envision my life without it.
Amazingly, I find that in this new existence some of the previous hopes I had lost and allowed to fade away are now coming back to the surface. The idea of a “blended” family, not just people all living under the same roof together. Is it tricky? Of course it is. Yet I have been blessed with the gift of knowing some amazing blended families in my life. I feel myself now not thinking of just my son, yet of another when I think about certain things and how decisions or choices will effect her. There are still times I may have fears. Wondering if my son will truly feel in his life that he had more than just a “mom”. Wither or not he’ll ever feel that other void truly filled. Yet as these fears begin to surface I feel the Lord reaching out to calm me.
I’ve come to realize that my existence before was purely that, mine. It was what I thought I should exist as. It was always asking the Lord for what I wanted without ever stopping to hear what He wanted. When I truly started to change that, my existence started to change. Now I stand in utter amazement of it all. Of the man whom I love. Of the dreams I am beginning to dream. Of the healing on my soul that I thought was already healed yet am just beginning to realize was only covered up.
I had no idea until recently how hard of a shell I had surrounding my heart. Not to a point that I don’t have the ability to love, because I do. Or to the point that I don’t have the ability to give, because I can. I had a shell that was hardened to the ability of really being able to receive unless it was on my own terms. A shell that was unable to truly conceive “not going it alone” when it comes to a fairly major decision in life. I had no idea how much my attitude was one of “I can only count and depend on me, and I have to be able to do this by myself because I’m the only one who can help me”. For the first time in nearly ten years, I feel that shell begin to chip and fall away. It’s terrifying, because I know when the shell is gone I will again have a venerability that I haven’t had in almost a decade. Yet it is also in this venerability that I am discovering a love that I gave up on long ago. This discovery is brought not by my existence, yet by God’s. In so many ways. I can only hope and pray that this new existence embracing my life continues. I feel the last hard pieces falling away, and on the inside am I far more fragile than I want to admit. Yet, in this fragile soft center, I am finding far more than the shell could ever have allowed me to see or feel.
I guess that’s all the rambling I have for today. I am slowly beginning to understand that my existence can truly only exist when I am willing to listen more than I ask. It’s not to say I should never ask, just that in asking, I must listen twice as much to make sure I hear. And the existence these last several months I’ve discovered myself to be in, well, what a discovery and blessing it has been.