I spend much of my morning commute listening to my Lacrae Pandora Station on my phone. Ah. Nothing like sipping my morning coffee in New England while listening to some Christian Rap music. ❤
However, I also support and greatly enjoy Air 1. A fantastic radio station that plays uplifting hip hop, rock, pop, and a variety of other things. A song that has been playing for a while is “Strong Enough” by Matthew West. I have loved many of West’s previous songs and while I liked this one it has never fully “grasped” me the way some of his others have.
On the way home I had several thoughts floating through my mind. The thoughts of a perfectionist often float back over the course of the day and begin pointing out all the areas where I could have done better, should have done better, or didn’t do enough.
One area in particular began to greatly bother me.
My faith and my lack of faith.
To believe and yet to falter.
Believing without fully trusting.
It could be because I’m growing older or it could be because I am reaching out more, thirsting and craving to learn, whatever the reason in the last few months I feel things are being revealed to me I’ve never known about my God. Things that only scratch the surface of His power and His authority. Of course I know God loves me. Yet as I grow in my faith I began to see so much more. As though a veil is ever so painfully being removed from my eyes.
And being the perfectionist, I began to beat on myself for this one particular thing that is bothering me.
I have always and continue to struggle with the concept that my Father in heaven is PERFECT. And that I am so far from perfect I will never be able to see with my imperfect eyes all of my own imperfections. AND somehow through all of this, through repentance from myself to Him, acceptance of His gift of salvation through Christ, that I can be reconciled to Him. That on a daily basis, waking up, knowing as an imperfect being that I will inevitably be imperfect, that He has a perfect plan that takes this and still provides a way for me to be reconciled to Him and be His.
My point is, as a perfectionist, my attitude is “As a Christian, I am supposed to be perfect because I am supposed to know right from wrong. Therefore, when I am not perfect, I am not a being a Christian. When I am not perfect, I don’t deserve what Christian’s have, which is Salvation in Christ”.
This is the circle I have been battling for several years now. This is the painful process where the veil is being stripped from my eyes, ever so slowly I think because my imperfect perfectionist eyes couldn’t handle it any faster (which He of course already knows), and as all of these different thoughts and reflections are exploding in a spider web of thoughts in my mind, behold, the song comes on.
“I know I’m not strong enough to be everything that I’m supposed to be, I give up. I’m not strong enough. Hands of mercy won’t you cover me, Lord right now I’m asking you to be, Strong enough, Strong enough, for the both of us.”
I’m sure it doesn’t take a deep thought provoking session to realize that the above lyrics are not the words a perfectionist would be thinking. A perfectionist would be thinking “I know I should be strong to be everything that I’m supposed to be, I can’t give up, I’m supposed to be strong enough.”. You get the picture.
Yet in this moment, I saw more of my heavenly Father. For that moment, I was able to drop the perfectionist guard. It was as though a literal weight, a heaviness on my shoulders, my back, my body was lifted. I dropped it as I realized that I am not strong enough.
I am not perfect enough.
And that’s ok.
Because He is.
He always has been.
He always will be.
For the both of us.