Wednesday, August 29, 2012
The Chester’s Chicken.
The fried potato wedge.
The Ranch Dressing. Not Fat Free Ranch. Not Light Ranch. The Real Deal Ranch.
The Oreo Brownie.
The Blueberry Muffins.
Cape Code Waffle Chips. With Sea Salt. Mmmmm. Waffle Chips.
Yesterday was a “Food” day. A “Dive off the wagon with hair blowing in the wind” day.
There were a lot of contributing factors which lead up to this day. Emotions. Hormones. Our original plans being closed due to weather.
I woke up this morning, and even though it’s not my weigh day, I stepped on the scale to see what the damage was. A positive 4.2 pounds.
That’s roughly the size of a small chicken.
I gained a small chicken. Oy.
I never fully understood people who had a “food addiction” until I came to terms with my own nicotine addiction. In my journey of withdrawal, emotional turmoil, and “need” to smoke, I began to see the same behaviors in how I treated food.
I’ve ping-ponged in life between indulging in food and controlling food. You know the saying, “Eat to Live, not Live to Eat”? Well, I told my husband, “I Eat to Live, I Exercise to Eat”.
I am a food addict. That “full” feeling (which to me, honestly, is the stuffed beyond full feeling) is a comforting feeling.
My son started the 6th grade today.
I’m not having anymore children. The days of little hands and little feet are gone for me. I didn’t realize it was happening until it already happened.
Thirty is around the corner. That seemed to sneak up on me too.
My ten year high school reunion is this year. I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to go. I’m not going back home this year for vacation. Meaning it’ll be close to a year and half before I see my Aunt, Uncle, Brother, Step-Siblings, Step-Mom, Dad, and dear friends again.
My son left for school. My husband left to go sailing with his dad (which I’m thankful for. My husband very rarely goes and does something for himself).
I’m home. Alone.
I originally thought I’d like the alone, the quiet, to clean up the mess from the last few days, catch up on laundry.
My heart just isn’t in it.
My heart feels sad.
That sad feeling, in some ways, can be described as an “empty” feeling. Which is maybe why I want to stuff myself with food. To crowd something into that “empty” feeling. To make it feel less empty.
Instead, what I should know by now, is the empty feeling comes from hurt which needs to heal. Hurt from my own past mixing in with my present. Food will not heal that. I cannot heal that. If I could, I would have done it already.
So, this morning I made us all a healthy Oatmeal breakfast with chopped walnuts and fresh bananas. I packed my son a nutritious lunch, helped my husband pack a nutritious lunch for himself and my father in law, and now I’m going to drink my coffee and spend some time in Prayer and meditation with my Lord.
I’m going to go to the Healer instead of to the food.
For however long it takes to overcome the urge to go to the food.
And then, then I’ll start my day with whatever is laid on my heart to do. Maybe grocery shopping. Maybe laundry. Maybe starting my novel.
Yesterday may have been a bad food day, however, today is where I’m at now.
Today, I have a loving husband.
I have a full of life and energy boy.
I have a beautiful and talented step-daughter beginning her senior year.
I have a huge stinky puppy dog who needs a bath, and who loves his belly to be scratched.
I have a home waiting for me to hang shelves and pictures and spend many happy days and nights making memories in it.
I have a breeze blowing and a sun shining.
I have more strength in my body than I have had in a long time. More energy. The exercise is making a difference.
I have family near in my husband’s family and my church family. I have family far, that even though I don’t see them everyday, or even every year, they are there and I love them. I know they love me.
I have wonderful caring friends.
I have adventures to look forward to.
I have this life to live.
I LOVE this life.
I am THANKFUL for this life.
That’s what I need to remember and focus on.
THIS was my son’s first day of 6th grade. THIS is my family. Whom I love.
Thank you Lord.
I hope everyone takes a moment today, to sit back and focus on at least one thing in your life you are thankful for. Let THAT be the tone for your day. Let that set your mark to go.