For those who have been following my Weigh in Wednesday posts, you may have noticed I’ve missed a few weeks. This was in part due to some “administrative” changes I made to the blog when I purchased my new domain last week. This past weekend I was geared up to get back on track this week.
Was Geared Up.
Over the summer I injured my back when I was still very new in the Power90 workout. The injury left me crippled an entire week. It was a long, miserable, boring, painful week.
Since then, I have paid extremely close attention to my form and listened to my body when increasing reps or weights. And changes were finally starting to happen.
Changes of feeling strong, and feeling good, and just great stuff overall! I was keeping up with those happy people on the cardio, I was increasing my pushups on the sculpting. I was feeling like for the first time, I was going to accomplish my goal of finishing this program.
It started last Friday, when I skipped my workout. Last week, I felt hungry, really really HUNGRY, all week. I was forcing myself through the workouts, however, I was tired, I was hungry, I was “eh”. When Friday finally came around, I was just done. I didn’t feel like working out. I didn’t want to workout. I slipped on my PJ’s early and decided I was simply going to skip it.
It was the first skipped workout in nearly a full month, so I didn’t feel super horrible about it.
Saturday was again skipped because I was prepping for a great weekend of family and friends. I had a surprise birthday gathering on Sunday planned for my sister-in-law, and some wonderful friends who I love were coming Monday. It was perfect. Sunday was a great. No workout again, however, how could I possibly feel bad? I spent an awesome day with my family. The food was delicious, the cake was delicious, and I just had a super awesome wonderful visit with my SIL. I loved it. Everything was going great and I knew I’d be right back on track come Tuesday, because remember, I had one more day of socializing and good food ahead of me.
Then it happened.
You see, my husband and I were acting like children Sunday night. Just being completely playful and extraordinarily silly.
And one of those completely childish, playful, silly things we do is to “interrupt” one another’s yawns.
Now, please try to bare with me a moment as I explain.
The most annoying thing in the entire world one person can do to another person, is to interrupt their yawn.
The fail proof way of doing this, is that when the person is right in the middle of yawning, you simply take your finger, and put it in their mouth and tap their tongue.
The insanity of what you have just done is so shocking, that it stops the yawn dead in it’s tracks.
Meaning, the yawn gets “stuck”.
That feeling that you desperately need to yawn and you can’t? That is what it does.
So, once in a while, when we are in one of our extremely silly moods, we will do this to one another. And this was happening Sunday night. It’s a vicious cycle after awhile because you know when you see someone yawn, it makes you want to yawn, so the simple fact that you are both trying to yawn while totally making it impossible to yawn is insanely fun.
We were getting ready to finally wind down and go to sleep. I got out of bed to head to the bathroom when I heard it.
He was trying to sneak in a yawn.
I jumped/dove across the bed from the other side of the room in a weird twisted motion with my arm outstretched to attempt to “interrupt” my husband’s yawn.
As I began to land onto the bed, I felt my lower back twist in a manner that I knew was not going to be good.
And I was right.
Monday, our dear friends came down with their precious boys and we had an amazing and wonderful visit. I woke up knowing that my back was not 100% OK, and I probably should have just stayed sitting for the day. Yet there was cooking to be done! Cooking I had been looking forward to doing for a MONTH!!!!! So, sit still I did not. Instead, I was up, I was getting it done, until suddenly there was a moment when it was time to pull dishes out of the oven and I simply could not do it. I stared at the dishes, my brain was desperately trying to figure out how to bend down, reach in, pull them out, and nothing was coming.
Bless my dear friend. My sweet, wonderful, amazing dear friend who came to the rescue and took over. Who then, after a fabulously delicious meal, pulled on my yellow gloves and washed all the pots and pans without a second thought. Her act of service in that moment was truly a blessing and a gift, and I so very greatly in my heart appreciated it.
It was a beautiful and gorgeous day Monday, especially for November in Maine. The idea of going for a walk across the blueberry field and down the horse path would normally appeal greatly to me, however, this day I knew I could not do it. My back was beginning to give silent cries of needing rest.
I do believe God used this moment for His glory.
Because my dear friend and I had a conversation that warmed my heart.
I’ve recently been struggling in my growth. My husband and I were asked awhile back if we would be interested in attending a Biblical Counseling Training Conference. I was very excited about such an opportunity at first, especially seeing how God has been transforming me, how God’s power can overcome any darkness, and excited at an opportunity to learn more humility, more about Him, and maybe become better equipped to serve Him in who knows what ways.
Then came the whisper.
I’m sure many of you have heard that whisper. Not the “small still voice” that comes, yet the other one, the one that is so close to our ear it is more of a hiss than a whisper.
“Remember what you did, remember how horrible you acted? Do you really think you should be the one, out of all the other people who are better than you, to go to a conference like this?”
Suddenly, the excitement that filled my heart stands still for a second. I try to shake the whisper, I busy myself, yet memories over the next several weeks begin to sneak up on me. They sneak up on me in the shower. They sneak up on me while washing the dishes. They sneak up on me when the house gets too quiet.
And the memories are painful. So painful that my eyes sting and burn with tears when I think about the pain of those memories, the pain that I caused, the pain that I created. Without fully realizing it, I slowly begin to allow His beautiful coat of Grace to fall off my shoulders, to instead be replaced with the heavy chains of guilt and shame. All the while, that voice, that hissing whisper, keeps reminding me over and over, “You are not good enough, deep down, you know you are not good enough. Who are you to go to this kind of conference? Who are you to write of God, of Christianity, of growing on a blog?”
So when I found myself, with a hurting back, sitting on my couch across from a dear friend whom brings me much encouragement without even knowing it, I was completely taken aback when she shared with me that my writing encourages her as well. And as I attempted to confess to her the struggle that I was having, the voice that I was hearing, she pointed me back to Him.
Who am I? I am HIS. That is who I am.
While at the time of our conversation, I had not yet fully fought off that voice, I can honestly say, our conversation kept coming up again and again in the back of my mind over the last few days.
And the last few days have been a bit of a “pain”. My back only got worse and worse with each passing day instead of better. I was hurting. I was grouchy. Bless my husband who has been working extra hard to take care of the things I normally take care of in the morning and at night, as well as take care of me when he’s not working.
Then this morning came the worst of it.
A full blown, kick you when you’re down migraine. A BAD one. It’s been a year or more since I’ve had one of these migraines. Forgive the “graphicness” here, however, this was one of those power-puke through your nose, with a pounding that is so hard in your head you’re trying to apply pressure to it and can’t figure out where it is, crying because you simply don’t know what else to do, with flashes of light bursting before your eyes, and as the sun comes streaming through the blinds you simply think for a brief moment you want to die, kind of pain.
My husband brought me pain medicine which I threw back up, so then he brought me more. He helped to position the pillows so that the sun was blocked from my eyes. It was hours before the medicine finally started to work. And when I finally could open my eyes without the light of day causing me severe pain and move my head without a wave of nausea attacking, I felt like I had gone through a physical battle of epic proportions.
That kind of migraine.
Yet, here is the beauty of it. My back pain has finally diminished GREATLY. With the lifting of the pain from my back and my head, it was almost like seeing with clarity again. I realized some things as I sat in the still and the quiet.
I realized that I had been under attack in my thoughts, and I had not properly equipped myself to battle that attack head on.
That voice, that hissing whisper, is NOT the voice I want to be listening to. It is NOT the voice I should be listening to.
Because I AM HIS.
I am HIS to go to any conference HE wants to send me to.
So that I will grow more in HIM.
So that I can be used more for HIM.
I AM HIS to write about HIM and share whatever HE wants me to share for HIS glory.
That is who I AM.
That is who I hope, I pray, and who I am desperately trying to be more of.
I am so thankful for the women He has brought into my life. He has brought me friendship in these last few months that have touched my heart and soul in so many ways. This past weekend was simply another example of that. Then today, I had a wonderful phone conversation with another amazing woman He brought into my life. Between the two dear friends, I found myself encouraged, I found myself standing up against the voice, and I found myself realizing something.
- This is why HE calls us to fellowship. Because HE knows that we need one another. That is why HE gave us one another.
- I must be in THE WORD EVERY SINGLE DAY. Because when I am not, I am not focused on Him. When I start to lose my focus on Him, even just a teeny, tiny, bit, I leave myself exposed to the enemy. The enemy who has been watching my every mistake, my every sin, and who is always waiting for that small yet effective moment when he can jump up and attack me with it.
- I MUST start memorizing some of God’s promises, because when the enemy does attack me, I need to attack back with THE TRUTH. I can’t do that if I can’t remember it. Like my friend pointed out in our phone conversation today, when Jesus was tempted by the devil, he replied with “It is written”. I MUST do the same.
I spent time in the word today, in prayer today, and I feel rejuvenated in so many ways. I feel refreshed. I feel filled with Grace. I feel Him.
So I have missed some of my Wednesdays, however, this is where I am at on my journey right now.
These are my goals this upcoming week, until I can get back into the swing of things and until my back is FULLY healed.
- GET IN THE WORD FIRST THING. NO EXCUSES. NO PUTTING IT OFF.
- Find a verse that I feel I need and MEMORIZE IT.
- DRINK WATER. I was doing good, then I started slacking. Time to get my hydration back on.
- DO NOT EMO-EAT. With how I was feeling the last several days, I’ve been totally emo-eating. Time to give my emo-ness to Him instead of the Fridge.
So there you have it. That’s where I’ve been, this is where I am, and we will see where He leads me.