On Thursday, I renewed my commitment to not letting anxiety rule over me. Recommitted my battle plan against it, and to trust in the Truth of my Savior. I had a weak moment with my husband, where instead of trusting, I turned to anger. Anger that lead into an argument. Instead of fully engaging in an argument that would have been an argument of untruths, he wrapped me up in his arms and he prayed over me.
There is power in prayer.
Especially in the prayer of a husband wrapping his wife up in his arms,
and pouring out his love, and his request for his God’s love, over her.
It is truly powerful.
After his prayer, the rest of the day went wonderfully. I had found peace in the truth of who my God is, a peace that was able to sink down into my soul. Later that evening my mom sent me a list of 11 reasons why it was a blessing my husband was leaving. I loved that list. It made me smile and touched my heart.
Then Came Friday
There are no words to describe what happened. No mortal understanding. My heart broke. Writing this now, my heart breaks. I simply went to my husband, fell into his arms, and cried. We held each other, in disbelief. In pain. In sadness for all the families left behind. My son was upstairs at the time, he had just gotten home from school. Knowing this would be circulating in the news, in conversations, on the radio, everywhere for days, I wanted to talk to him about it. I wanted news of this to come from his parents before any other, in the safety of his own home, so that he could ask questions and feel safe in whatever emotions he may have over it.
Telling my son what happened was hard. What happened in that elementary school took away the innocence and safety of those children in the school. It also took away some of the innocence and safety of all of the children of our nation.
As softly and as gently as I could, I explained it, I saw the reality of my news wash over his face. The same disbelief the rest of us felt. He became quiet, sinking back into the couch. A look of sadness and terror came over his face as he looked at me and said, “Mom, they were just kids. They didn’t do anything. They were just little kids.” He then named off some of the small children in his life he loves, cousins, friends, neighbors. He set back again, quiet, and then I saw it.
So I asked him, gently, lovingly, “How do you feel? Do you have any questions? What are you thinking?”
And he said what I’m sure we all have thought, even if we have not voiced it.
“I’m thinking, that could happen at my school. And it scares me.”
Fear. This kind of fear, is the same fear that grasps me at times. That renders me useless. That invades my mind and my thoughts and leaves me lying awake for hours, or crying. This kind of fear is not a fear of God, I believe it is a fear God wants to deliver us from. A fear He does not want us to live in.
And seeing that on my son’s face, ignited something in me. Ignited a fire that screamed “No, We Will Not Live In Fear!
We Will Live By Faith!
Evil Will Not Rule Over Us!”
I hugged him. I hugged this man-child who is as tall as I am with bigger hands and feet, and I hugged him like he was 3 years old again. I hugged him and I told him, “I understand it being scary, and I understand wanting to be afraid. However, we are called to live by faith, and not by fear. So, let’s talk and pray about this.”
And we did. We talked about what evil is, and why we should not be afraid of it. We talked about what it means to have an eternal hope, and a source to draw supernatural strength from. We talked about smart decisions in life. Being aware of our surroundings, being aware when we notice something that doesn’t look right, and alerting people as needed. We talked about living by faith, not by fear.
My husband being gone this week, very quickly, very suddenly, became a small concern. I miss him terribly. I want him home, not away. However, I have this young man, and it became much more important to me to set an example to him to not live in fear. When I’ve found my thoughts this week attempting to go to that dark place, I have said, out loud, “Live by Faith, Not by Fear.” It has become my motto this week.
My husband is also a hero to me. He found a way for us to video chat with one another. It has helped being able to see him every day. Wave to him. Talk to him. My son has enjoyed being able to see and hear his dad’s voice as well.
I’ve also started a new Sunday School class that I am greatly enjoying. We are reading Doctrine: What Christians Should Believe by Mark Driscoll and Gerry Breshears. The very first Chapter is Titled “Trinity: God Is”. I made it a point to stop and read every single Bible verse referenced as I went along in the text. It was reading about who God is. That there is no other like Him. It was comforting, awakening, and wonderful to just read verses focused on God. His glory. His power. His Love.
Live by Faith. Not by Fear.
Not the fear caused and planted by evil.
Not the fear that I have struggled with off and on throughout life.
It’s time to change my focus. It’s time to change my thoughts.
To renew my mind. To embrace His love, and the love He has placed in my life through my husband, son, parents, in-laws, siblings, friends, and church family.
My prayers will continue to be for the families left behind from the horrific event that took place last Friday. My prayers will continue to be for all persons who find themselves feeling fear from Friday’s events. My prayers will continue to be for our Nation, and the leaders of our Nation.
And I will continue to be active in my attack against my own anxieties. Because I know what living in fear means. I know what living in fear feels like. These morsels of peace I’ve tasted, to live by Faith, I want to know more of what that feels like. I want to be an example to my son, so that when the day I pray comes, the day he walks out into the world and away from mine and my husband’s protective arms, that he will do so not in fear, yet in faith. So that nothing will hold him back from whatever he is meant to do in this world. From whatever dreams he is meant to turn into realities.
May Peace, not Fear, be with us all.
In Love & Faith,