devotional

THAT Sunday Morning

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This morning as I was rushing into church, running late, berating myself because it was one of “those” mornings….

You know the one. You wake up tired because you stayed up too late.
Your hair isn’t cooperating no matter what you try, so you do the last-resort-pony-tail, and somehow even THAT wants to elude you.
You’ve got nothing to wear even as you stand in front of your obnoxiously full closet.
Your make up is not only NOT on point – it keeps smearing or smudging and the clock keeps ticking and THEN you start thinking there’s no point. You’re running late. You should just stay home.

And as you keep fumbling over yourself to put one foot in front of the other, the thoughts change. You start thinking how foolish you are to even CARE about any of the above points. How silly you’re being after the great week and weekend you’ve had. How going to church isn’t about your outfit, your hair, your makeup, or even your friends. It’s about WORSHIPPING Jesus.

As you force yourself into the car, roll out the driveway, you think about how you know the worship team is singing YOUR SONG today.

THE song.

Your Victory Song – the song of your story – the song that is your cry of what He’s done in your life – “We’ve Won” – and on the day they are playing your song you’re gonna be late?!?!? What kind of Christian are you!

You know the morning – or is it just me?

So it’s THAT Sunday morning I’m having as I’m rushing into church – with all of these thoughts tumbling around in my brain – my heart determined to cling to the truth that these thoughts were just distractions to pull me away from fellowship and worship – here is where she stopped me with her big beautiful smile.

“I have something for you”.

The unexpected gift of an interruption to my internal dialogue. The tidal wave crashing in and washing out all of the noise.

I don’t know if she knows about my thing for cups. She clearly knows my thing for sparkle.

And she didn’t have a clue about my morning being THAT morning.

But you know who did?

Our Heavenly Father.

As I held this precious gift, I walked into the sanctuary to hear my song. To worship with the family of God and listen to a message calling us to share our stories – because in sharing our stories we share Jesus.

I made sure to tell her afterwards – to let her know how God used her this morning to be a blessing beyond what she could know, hoping it would in turn bless and encourage her as she had me.

And now everytime I drink from my new sparkly cup – I’ll think of her – and of this morning – and remember again “We’ve Won”.

We’ve Won – by Corey Voss & Madison Street Worship

In Love & Faith,
RaZella

Forty-One

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Last night at church our Pastor preached a message about Walking with God. He shared the following quote as part of that message:

You’ve got to get out of the car, take the keys around, open up the trunk lid, hand the keys to the Lord Jesus, get inside the trunk, slam the lid down, whisper through the keyhole, ‘Lord look, fill’r up with anything you want and you drive, it’s up to you from now on.’
– Paris Reidhead

My heartstrings were plucked by the Holy Spirit, and the sound has been vibrating in my soul ever since.

These past twelve months our Heavenly Father has been teaching me how to “walk and not run”. He gave me a prophetic dream earlier last year, a spark within me, never too far and frequently coming to mind. I believe He was showing me a direction, and as I look back I see it’s been a year of preparation about that direction.

Part of the preparation has been deeper healing. He had already brought so much healing into my life that I wasn’t going into 40 thinking “I need healing, I’m broken”. I feel like He was saying “You’re not broken, now you’re ready to go deeper. I’m going to make you uncomfortable because you don’t see it yet, and it’s time for me to heal the deeper things.”

First I was asked a question by someone, a simple question, and it felt like I got hit sideways by an unseen wave. Yet I wasn’t left to sputter and flail about in the rushing water. The wave knocked me off my feet, got my full attention, and I felt the loving arms of my Father grab hold to lift me up and say “it’s time to let me heal this child”.

It led to an afternoon with Him where I was so overwhelmed and overcome by His love, His affection, His forgiveness I couldn’t physically move or stand or even sit up. I got to meet Him in a way that I can’t unmeet. I got to know Him, and trust Him, in ways that have changed me even more.

Another morning before church I took time to sit and journal with Him in the quiet of the house, and He revealed a layer of hurt in my heart I thought “was already dealt with”. As I wrote in my journal what came out of me was so unexpected I literally gasped for air, the emotional pain taking my breath away. “Oh God” was all I could cry out, and as I cried out to Him through gasps and tears, Holy Spirit started giving me verse after verse. This deep hurt was healed, and the lies associated with it were replaced with His Truth.

On another day I was feeling distracted, pulled in too many directions, unable to focus my thoughts or my mind. I silenced my phone, shut off all the screens, sat down in the silence crying out for help to uncover what was causing the chaotic feelings within. He revealed to me my unforgiveness towards someone. It was hard. It was necessary. He showed me healing in repentance and in forgiveness. He showed me things about me I didn’t like, and He reached out His hand to say “I will finish the work I began in you, come to Me.”

I share because I want to remember this if I look back on this post some day. One of the lessons I learned this past year is that healing isn’t just a one and done thing. Every day is a new day, a new day for love, and a new day for things to try and come to wound my soul. The difference between me now and me of the past, is me now is learning my Father is the Healer of my soul, of every hurt, every wound, every infliction against me. As He has so graciously forgiven me, He leads me into forgiving others. He welcomes my repentance so that He can fill me with His empowering grace. I don’t want to live a life any longer that lets things fester, I don’t want to “wait to go to the doctor”. I’m running to Him faster, saying “Daddy, this hurts, help me”.

Another lesson this past year He has taught me is that it is easier to hide in the busy than it is to be exposed in the silence, and while it’s easier, it’s also the place of missed opportunities.

Those who know me best have often told me I’m too busy. And it’s been true.

I have lived most of my life filling every waking moment with activity and noise. This last year I’ve taken on a new career and became primarily self-employed opening up my own business. I started taking classes to obtain some certifications last November and won’t be done until probably September or October of this year. I also wrote a book and started the process of working towards publication. I’m just now wrapping up meetings with the beautiful souls who offered to read and provide feedback. I have a personal deadline of making final edits by end of March and then full stem ahead to work on what’s needed to get it published this year.

My Christmas Trees are still up as I type this.

So yes – it’s been busy.

And that’s just the “work/school” surface things. There has also been what I consider the more substantial stuff.

Grief in saying goodbye for now to a loved one who finished their race here. The unexpected joy of hello in the birth of a nephew and hearing the voice of a brother. My son joining the Army National Guard and heading out to bootcamp. The navigation of womanhood and aging and the thoughts and feelings that come in this new season.

The question of am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing? Am I wasting my time? Am I still allowing fear to hold me back? Am I passively nodding my head or am I intentionally engaging? Am I walking the direction You are asking me to walk?

This card came in the mail with something I ordered a long time ago. I kept it, and every time I look at it I feel something stir within me. Last year I also received a Word spoken over me. I have held it close in my spirit, another spark next to the dream. I was told the desire in me, the one that burns, my Heavenly Father put that in me. He wants that desire in me. I need to go to Him for the direction and guidance of the desire He has placed. Be focused on one thing and seek Him for direction, He will open the door, He will lead me on the path.

Fire for life.

Tenacity.

Boldness.

Authority.

Peace.

These are the words He spoke over me, words that feel foreign and simultaneously speak to something inside of me that knows their meaning and burns as I whisper them.

It’s time to climb in the trunk, give Him the keys, and stop trying to control where we are going. Last night a friend specifically prayed over me that it was time I stop trying to plan out the route, have all the bathroom stops marked, and worrying about if I packed any snacks. It’s time to get in the trunk and trust Him with ALL of it.

Forty-One is a year I want to look back on and see how I grew in my Devotion. A year that I stopped being passive, didn’t get distracted, and walked with God in the direction He wants to go.

I’ve already started by overhauling my schedule, now it’s time to get intentional about how I spend my time. The book and the classes are current timely priorities. Forty-one is a year I am setting out to complete both.

I also want to start writing here again. I don’t know what this blog will look like, if there will be a singular focus or if it will be more of my public journal space, but in a world of reels and tik-toks the truth is I’m a writer. I want forty-one to be a year I step fully into the identity of who God says I am and stop trying to fit into boxes that I wasn’t created to fit into.

I want to continue to go deeper. I want to continue to change. I want to encourage and inspire others to not look at me, but to look at He who leads me. I want to have an accountable relationship with Him. I want to look to Jesus to grow me closer to God, and I want to encourage my husband, my friends, and our church family as they look to Jesus to grow closer to God too.

Today I am forty-one years old. I don’t know what my number of days are. I just know that I don’t want to waste the time. I want to be fearless in the pursuit of what sets my soul on fire – the desire my Heavenly Father has put within me. I want to serve the Lord with as few distractions as possible. I want to love differently. I want to remember that when the world seems to be growing darker, that is the opportunity for lights to shine even brighter. I want forty-one to be the brightest year yet, because the best is yet to come.

In Love & Faith,
RaZella

Run With Passion Straight Ahead

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 I admit that I haven’t yet acquired the absolute fullness that I’m pursuing, but I run with passion into his abundance so that I may reach the purpose for which Christ Jesus laid hold of me to make me his own. I don’t depend on my own strength to accomplish this; however I do have one compelling focus: I forget all of the past as I fasten my heart to the future instead. I run straight for the divine invitation of reaching the heavenly goal and gaining the victory-prize through the anointing of Jesus. So let all who are fully mature have this same passion, and if anyone is not yet gripped by these desires, God will reveal it to them.

Philippians 3:12-15 (TPT)

A few months ago, I stood surrounded by stacks of books.

For the umpteenth time in the 19 years I’ve owned this bookcase, I’d again removed every book from every shelf so it could be moved into another room. 
I’d hit the point where I was tired, and as I sat down on the carpet to take a break, I figured now was as good a time as any to sort through the various stacks.

Reading and writing are passions of mine, and often how I learn and grow best. So it’s not a surprise that books are tools for me. I may read a book and be OK with letting it go, or loaning it out. And others are precious, kept on the book shelf so I can easily access it for future reference, study, and encouragement. 

As I was sorting into piles of “yet to be read” and “this could be donated”, I came across three large, heavy books. 

My high school yearbooks. 

And as any good productive person does in the middle of a task, I dropped everything to sit cross-legged on the carpet, and heave all three into a pile on my lap.

When was the last time I looked through these? Or read the notes left inside? Or gazed at any of the pictures? 

A lot has changed in the 19 years I’ve owned this bookcase. I would move this bookcase from North Carolina to Maine. From one apartment to another. From an apartment to a storage unit. From a storage unit to a house. From a house to a garage. And from the garage into our current home. And in each of those homes I would move that bookcase from one room to another, and maybe to another again. 

A lot of life has taken place around this bookcase. A lot of life. 

And with every move, every change, always these three heavy books would be part of the move. Freshman, Sophomore, and Junior years. 

I opened up the Freshman book first. And with it brought a flood of memories. 

Here is the thing, my four years of high school had some incredibly painful and hurtful moments. Moments that cut so deeply they weren’t properly healed until my late twenties. 

So as I slowly turned pages and read notes in all forms of color and penmanship, I felt myself falling backwards into a strange place. There were sparks of memories of friendships I once treasured. But there was also sadness and hurt at remembering the things I was struggling with back then. 

The Sophomore book was second. Where the first book was full of notes and signatures and letters, this one contained very little. And suddenly I was thrust back into those painful memories. Things I know I have healed from, released, asked forgiveness for, and forgiven in others. But now there was a fresh attack on my mind and heart. I could feel my body tense, could feel my insides twisting. I closed the book and looked at the Junior one, debating if I should even open it. 

The Junior book was bittersweet. Where there was more pain and heartache, there were many notes written to and for my son. He was born between junior and senior year, and as I read through notes and well-wishes, my heart continued to experience that remembered ache from long ago. Brewing within me was the temptation for my mind to start playing the dangerous “what if” game. 

For several moments, I sat steeping in this whirlwind of emotion slowly rising to lead me away. 

And then I heard a distinct and clear thought break through all the emotional noise building up. “Throw it away.” 

Throw it away? 

I stared at this heavy pile of books weighing down my legs. The different covers of green, gold, and red glaring at me with their thickness. How could I throw these away? I have moved these books for over 19 years. 

“Throw it away”. 

Well maybe the first two. But that last one, those notes to my son. Maybe I should keep that one…..

“Throw it away”. 

Then silence.

I sat in that silence and starred at those books. I suddenly felt how heavy they were. 

Weights.
Chains.
Tying me down to a person I no longer was. To a past I no longer lived. To a life that was no longer mine.
 
In my heart, I knew if I kept these books, no matter how long or how many years went by, the same thing would happen every time I opened them up. I would be tempted to fall into emotions, feelings, and thoughts, that were not helpful, beneficial, or rooted in the present truth of my life. 

A physical injury over time heals, but may be prone to reinjury in the future. So why would I not protect my emotional healing with the same concern and attention I would use to protect my physical healing? Why would I keep these books?

I pushed the heavy books off my lap. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a trash bag. I walked back into the room with stacks of books, and picked up those three heavy books I have carried with me for over 19 years, and dropped them with a BANG into the trash bag. Then I tied off the trash bag, lugged it all the way down the driveway, and heaved it into the dumpster. 

If you’ve ever been weighed down by something unseen, it’s not until it’s lifted off of you that you can fully appreciate how heavy it was. With every step I took back towards the house, I felt lighter. I took a huge deep breath, and when I exhaled, I was firmly right back where I belonged. Here. This time. This place. This moment. Peace.

I walked back through the house to stand in the room with stacks of books. It all looked different. I was overcome to just speak out loud “Thank you Jesus”. Where moments before there was emotional turmoil brewing, now emotional gratitude poured in. 

Not too long after this took place, I sat in on a sermon where I heard these words:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

-Isaiah 43:18-19

[How many of you are] hoping for things to go back to normal? However when God starts to do a new thing, back to normal is bad because if you really think about it, you were complaining in that old normal!. . . in order to gain the new thing that God is doing it’s ahead, it’s not backwards. It’s not gonna be same! It shouldn’t be the same! We should be moving forward. Faith works in the direction that you look . . . If we try to move forward by looking backwards, we are going to fall.

-Britt Hancock

I remember leaving church that day feeling I had received both a message of confirmation and preparation from the Lord. Confirmation as to where the thought to throw away the year books had come from. A call to preparation for the new season of life I’m entering into. I don’t want to miss God moments and God opportunities. 

So go ahead, take those steps of faith, and throw away the “year books”. 
Then forget the past, fasten your heart to the future. Run in the Holy Spirit with passion straight and forward into all that Jesus has for you. And trust God to reveal His Plan for your life and your future in Him. 

In Love & Faith, 
RaZella