Scrolling on Facebook, something I’ve done here and there since 2008.
So much has changed since then.
What used to be a fun way to find old friends, share in creative expression, and drive my husband slightly nutty with the need to “check my crops”, has slowly morphed into something else.
Something that still looks and feels like it should bring some sort of happiness or pleasure. Yet I find the exact opposite to be true. The more I scroll, the more I keep scrolling in hopes the next post or the next news article will be the thing that I remember, that feeling of fun and light heartedness.
I wonder if it’s the same feeling standing at a slot machine in a casino. They say it’s the house that always wins, every quarter dropped into a never ending void of losses with just enough wins to keep the quarters coming. Never enough to feel satisfied to walk away from the game.
This morning I woke up at 3am, and unable to go back to sleep I sat in my chair with a study on the Names of God, wading softly into deep waters as I asked Jesus to reveal our Father ALMIGHTY.
I was there for nearly two hours. Rest. Peace. Gratitude. Joy. Hope. Assurance.
Just now I opened up Facebook, I’m not even 100% sure why to be honest, and within 5 minutes I see posts that hurt my heart from both sides of the aisle. Posts not written by strangers mind you, these are people I know. People I love. I see news articles of increased costs on top of increased costs, I see division, I see anger – oh wait – that one little funny post – maybe if I just keep scrolling…
At some point I sensed my joy being robbed. Two hours of peace built. Five minutes of scrolling stolen.
A thief comes to rob, kill, and destroy. Guard your heart above all else. Pieces of scripture – I close my eyes and shut off my phone heeding this prompting by the Holy Spirit.
Our World has become increasingly big. A device that’s no more than 5-6 inches in length gives us unrestrained access to information on a global scale that goes from “being informed” to being bombarded from every direction, with every problem in every sector of every people group of every nation.
This world is overwhelming. I can choose to not be overwhelmed. I can love.
I can’t change who is in positions of leadership in any nation today. Today, I can love those around me. I can’t lower the cost of living here or anywhere else today. Today, I can share freely what I have. I can’t change how aide is sent or withheld today. Today, I can give to organizations I know will get help to those in need. I can’t stop how policies are implemented or changed today. Today, I can give of my resources, my time, and my energy. I can’t fix the brokenness of my country, or of the world. I can rest in the One who is able. I can trust in the One who can. I can meet with Him anywhere, anyplace, and at anytime. I can trust His love to wash over me, His grace to empower me, and that my petitions matter to Him.
I can be faithful. Most importantly, above all else, I can love.
Relationships are built over coffee cups and around dinner tables. They are built in the hugs and laugher, and in the holding tightly through the tears. They are built in the joining of hands in work, in prayer, and in celebration.
And maybe the difference, the change we all truly need, will be birthed not from policies or products, just maybe it will be birthed from love.
I can’t “fix” so many things. I can Love.
Maybe during this season that is beginning to feel like the atmospheric change before the eruption of an unexpected storm – when I go to reach for that small device, instead I can whisper – or maybe shout –
“I can Love”.
Then just set the phone back down for awhile longer, and instead, go and love. Love God – Love Others.
And maybe the difference, the change we all truly need, will be birthed not from policies or products, just maybe it will be birthed from love.
Last night at church our Pastor preached a message about Walking with God. He shared the following quote as part of that message:
You’ve got to get out of the car, take the keys around, open up the trunk lid, hand the keys to the Lord Jesus, get inside the trunk, slam the lid down, whisper through the keyhole, ‘Lord look, fill’r up with anything you want and you drive, it’s up to you from now on.’ – Paris Reidhead
My heartstrings were plucked by the Holy Spirit, and the sound has been vibrating in my soul ever since.
These past twelve months our Heavenly Father has been teaching me how to “walk and not run”. He gave me a prophetic dream earlier last year, a spark within me, never too far and frequently coming to mind. I believe He was showing me a direction, and as I look back I see it’s been a year of preparation about that direction.
Part of the preparation has been deeper healing. He had already brought so much healing into my life that I wasn’t going into 40 thinking “I need healing, I’m broken”. I feel like He was saying “You’re not broken, now you’re ready to go deeper. I’m going to make you uncomfortable because you don’t see it yet, and it’s time for me to heal the deeper things.”
First I was asked a question by someone, a simple question, and it felt like I got hit sideways by an unseen wave. Yet I wasn’t left to sputter and flail about in the rushing water. The wave knocked me off my feet, got my full attention, and I felt the loving arms of my Father grab hold to lift me up and say “it’s time to let me heal this child”.
It led to an afternoon with Him where I was so overwhelmed and overcome by His love, His affection, His forgiveness I couldn’t physically move or stand or even sit up. I got to meet Him in a way that I can’t unmeet. I got to know Him, and trust Him, in ways that have changed me even more.
Another morning before church I took time to sit and journal with Him in the quiet of the house, and He revealed a layer of hurt in my heart I thought “was already dealt with”. As I wrote in my journal what came out of me was so unexpected I literally gasped for air, the emotional pain taking my breath away. “Oh God” was all I could cry out, and as I cried out to Him through gasps and tears, Holy Spirit started giving me verse after verse. This deep hurt was healed, and the lies associated with it were replaced with His Truth.
On another day I was feeling distracted, pulled in too many directions, unable to focus my thoughts or my mind. I silenced my phone, shut off all the screens, sat down in the silence crying out for help to uncover what was causing the chaotic feelings within. He revealed to me my unforgiveness towards someone. It was hard. It was necessary. He showed me healing in repentance and in forgiveness. He showed me things about me I didn’t like, and He reached out His hand to say “I will finish the work I began in you, come to Me.”
I share because I want to remember this if I look back on this post some day. One of the lessons I learned this past year is that healing isn’t just a one and done thing. Every day is a new day, a new day for love, and a new day for things to try and come to wound my soul. The difference between me now and me of the past, is me now is learning my Father is the Healer of my soul, of every hurt, every wound, every infliction against me. As He has so graciously forgiven me, He leads me into forgiving others. He welcomes my repentance so that He can fill me with His empowering grace. I don’t want to live a life any longer that lets things fester, I don’t want to “wait to go to the doctor”. I’m running to Him faster, saying “Daddy, this hurts, help me”.
Another lesson this past year He has taught me is that it is easier to hide in the busy than it is to be exposed in the silence, and while it’s easier, it’s also the place of missed opportunities.
Those who know me best have often told me I’m too busy. And it’s been true.
I have lived most of my life filling every waking moment with activity and noise. This last year I’ve taken on a new career and became primarily self-employed opening up my own business. I started taking classes to obtain some certifications last November and won’t be done until probably September or October of this year. I also wrote a book and started the process of working towards publication. I’m just now wrapping up meetings with the beautiful souls who offered to read and provide feedback. I have a personal deadline of making final edits by end of March and then full stem ahead to work on what’s needed to get it published this year.
My Christmas Trees are still up as I type this.
So yes – it’s been busy.
And that’s just the “work/school” surface things. There has also been what I consider the more substantial stuff.
Grief in saying goodbye for now to a loved one who finished their race here. The unexpected joy of hello in the birth of a nephew and hearing the voice of a brother. My son joining the Army National Guard and heading out to bootcamp. The navigation of womanhood and aging and the thoughts and feelings that come in this new season.
The question of am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing? Am I wasting my time? Am I still allowing fear to hold me back? Am I passively nodding my head or am I intentionally engaging? Am I walking the direction You are asking me to walk?
This card came in the mail with something I ordered a long time ago. I kept it, and every time I look at it I feel something stir within me. Last year I also received a Word spoken over me. I have held it close in my spirit, another spark next to the dream. I was told the desire in me, the one that burns, my Heavenly Father put that in me. He wants that desire in me. I need to go to Him for the direction and guidance of the desire He has placed. Be focused on one thing and seek Him for direction, He will open the door, He will lead me on the path.
Fire for life.
Tenacity.
Boldness.
Authority.
Peace.
These are the words He spoke over me, words that feel foreign and simultaneously speak to something inside of me that knows their meaning and burns as I whisper them.
It’s time to climb in the trunk, give Him the keys, and stop trying to control where we are going. Last night a friend specifically prayed over me that it was time I stop trying to plan out the route, have all the bathroom stops marked, and worrying about if I packed any snacks. It’s time to get in the trunk and trust Him with ALL of it.
Forty-One is a year I want to look back on and see how I grew in my Devotion. A year that I stopped being passive, didn’t get distracted, and walked with God in the direction He wants to go.
I’ve already started by overhauling my schedule, now it’s time to get intentional about how I spend my time. The book and the classes are current timely priorities. Forty-one is a year I am setting out to complete both.
I also want to start writing here again. I don’t know what this blog will look like, if there will be a singular focus or if it will be more of my public journal space, but in a world of reels and tik-toks the truth is I’m a writer. I want forty-one to be a year I step fully into the identity of who God says I am and stop trying to fit into boxes that I wasn’t created to fit into.
I want to continue to go deeper. I want to continue to change. I want to encourage and inspire others to not look at me, but to look at He who leads me. I want to have an accountable relationship with Him. I want to look to Jesus to grow me closer to God, and I want to encourage my husband, my friends, and our church family as they look to Jesus to grow closer to God too.
Today I am forty-one years old. I don’t know what my number of days are. I just know that I don’t want to waste the time. I want to be fearless in the pursuit of what sets my soul on fire – the desire my Heavenly Father has put within me. I want to serve the Lord with as few distractions as possible. I want to love differently. I want to remember that when the world seems to be growing darker, that is the opportunity for lights to shine even brighter. I want forty-one to be the brightest year yet, because the best is yet to come.
Recently as I was walking to my car, a brisk wind jolted my attention upward, my skin assaulted by the sudden chill. As I looked up from the task of finding my car keys to make a quick escape out of the cold, I couldn’t help but take in the full view before me.
I was parked under one of the few trees in the parking lot. This past summer it had looked bigger when all of it’s branches were full of thick, lush leaves. It had provided shade to keep the car interior cool against the heat. This past autumn those same leaves had danced with vibrant hues of red, decorating the pavement with their colors and crispness.
But now? Now it lay mostly bare. I could clearly see all it’s limbs and branches, every twig in a maze of dark, brown growth. And as autumn purposefully marched into winter, I could now see a few leaves were still clinging on, fighting against the march of time. Refusing to submit to the season approaching.
I felt a prick in my own spirit.
As I stood there staring at the leaves, the words that came to my mind were not courage or endurance. The words I couldn’t shake were “stunted growth”.
Brown, dried out, shriveled and dying. These leaves were stuck as if they had forgotten their purpose. As if they had forgotten their tree was meant for growth. Growth in each new season so it would be prepared, be equipped, be ready to fulfill it’s destiny.
In spring when the days grow longer and the temperatures warm, the sap within the tree will begin to move, bringing with it fresh nutrients after winter’s rest. Buds will appear, growing over days and weeks. They will provide food and nourishment for small creatures and insects. Many will erupt into tiny green leaves, growing and creating within it’s branches a safe haven for nests. Creating a space of refuge, a place where new life can also thrive. In autumn they will display possibly their greatest moments of beauty yet, delighting the senses of us who sit beneath them, teasing our eyes with colors that are specially reserved for this time. With their dance back towards earth they will signal winter’s arrival once again.
Maybe in our view of winter being a time of darkness and barrenness, we’ve forgotten something. That for this tree, winter is marked for a time of rest.
I’ve thought about that tree a lot, and about how where I live, our calendar year both ends and begins in winter. Our Pastor at church once when teaching about rest, pointed out on the 7th day of Creation God rested, but Adam was created on the 6th day. Which means God’s week of creation ended with rest, while Adam’s week of being created started with rest.
Winter. Rest.
Reflecting on this past year, there have been some incredible moments. Assignments have been completed. Wounds have been healed. Storms have been weathered. There has been pursuit and drawing nearer. There has been both chiseling and sculpting. Refining fire. There has also been the warm blankets of comfort. There have been opportunities to pour into others, and opportunities to be poured into. There has been growth.
It’s hard to not cling tightly to what has past even as a new season whispers of what’s ahead.
But the thing I realize, is I too am meant to be ever growing. Because I too have assignments, purpose, and destiny. To be equipped, prepared, and ignited about my Father’s business.
That is the thought that has most pierced my spirit this past week. As this year draws to an end, and as I sit in the quiet with Abba God, to recognize this is a time to shake out the leaves before the New Year comes. So that these branches are fully exposed. So that this heart is fully exposed before Him. For Him to make room to burn away, to renew, and then to ignite fresh fire.
May we pause in the quiet of winter to heed the season to rest. To renew. To prepare for the seasons to come with our Father.
May we not be deceived into clinging to old, dry, brittle leaves. Because we prepare with expectation, and with hope, for the new year, the new seasons to come.
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